Repairing a handlebar that won't stay together

Repairing a handlebar that won't stay together

A customer wrote in and asked about ways to prevent a handlebar from splitting apart at the curls. I have meant to write an article about this for a while now. These are the techniques that have helped me out a lot in my handlebar moustache journey. Ahhh, repairing the split in the moustache. The snakes-tongue, as I call it. The best way I have dealt with this is some combination of the following:

Mini flatiron.

About $25 on Amazon. I let it heat up for 5 minutes while I am oiling my beard, checking for errant nose hairs or trying to find the dime that rolled off the counter under the cabinet. Anyway, this flatiron (used VERY carefully, so as no to burn you or char your moustache) is a wonder product. It brings all of the hairs to the same angle from whatever their natural growth patterns was. A pro-level variant on ironing is to compress the hairs (again, carefully) between the paddles and then turn my wrist to around 90 degrees so that the ends of the handlebar turn up and then gently pull the iron towards the tips, away from my nose. This puts a gentle curl to the hairs like scissors to ribbons, if you will. It is better to take many quick passes at your moustache than to try to pressure cook those hairs. I have done this scores of times without incident but it is possible to burn those hair right off if you forget you are flat-ironing your moustache and start watching a Breaking Bad marathon.

Too much / too little wax:

Wax is sorta like fuel in an aircraft. Too much and it is too heavy and crashes. Too little and you run out and it crashes. The good news is, no one dies when you are figuring this out. I mean, that is really good news. If people died manicuring their handlebar, the liability policy I could have to take out would bankrupt me. Try altering quantities and journal the results. I am kidding about the journal. Actually, that would be interesting to read. So, journal. Then please share it. Include flowery language like they did back in the Civil War era too, please.

Moustache comb.

Not "a comb I use on my moustache," but a bona fide (please note use of fancy Latin--that means I am serious) moustache comb. Preferably from Kent. Preferably purchased on CanYouHandlebar.com (link). Here is why: the teeth are super fine, so they separate the warring factions of the snake tongue into discrete hairs and coerce them into playing nicely with one another. Regular ol' black grandpa combs (of which I have owned dozens) were "ok" but no great shakes for wax distribution. Ideally, each hair should have a super thin coat of wax and should gently touch the hair next to it like a pack of youth group kids in inner-tubes going around the bend of a slow river.

Occasional trimming.

When my handlebar gets super long, then my gravity defying feats begin to falter. This is not a recommendation, just something I have done on occasion.

Becoming a Gentleman: Monday mornings

Even “bad jobs” are good

Even the “bad jobs” I have had over the years have taught me something about myself and about life. When I was a spot welder and came home each day exhausted, burnt and bruised, I learned what hard work really was and I was proud of what I had built. I used to dig little bit of metal out of my belly that got there when a spray of white metal picked me instead of spraying 40′ across the factory floor. I have seen (and felt) copper so hot it turned shades of purple and green. I’ve worked 42 days straight doing manual labor and the first two weeks of that were over 12-16 hours per day. I’ve sweated so hard that even though I drank several bottles of water, I didn’t need to urinate. In some ways it was hell and yet part of me loved it. I knew I was a man (or closer to that goal). A job like that is like a merit badge you wear on the inside.

The symptom

These days, some Mondays are definitely less welcomed than others, but to work is a blessing (especially in this economy!). I may complain about work sometimes but deep down it is honorable and satisfying. As an aspiring gentleman I try to keep this perspective and avoid the trendy complaining cycle on Facebook. The men I most admire would never say something like “ugh, it’s a Monday.” We all feel that way sometimes, I suppose. But it seems like people who are enjoying life complain–if they complain at all–about how little time their is to do the work they have picked. The don’t complain about having to work.

The new approach

The idea of being a gentleman can seem a little nebulous sometimes. We may have a mental picture of a man in a three piece suit and a monocle sipping a tea. In practice, being a gentleman it is more like a thousand little decisions, not owning a pocket watch or twirling our moustache. So, here is the approach I am working on: I am challenging myself to protect my mindset against petty resentment toward the gift of work. I will apply myself and think in bigger increments than a week at a time. To check my progress I remember that I am choosing to become the man I want my son to think I already am.

Who is with me?

The phases of growing a handlebar moustache

Knowing the phases upfront

The decision to grow a handlebar moustache can be made in a day; however, the work required to actually grow a handlebar to full maturity requires about three months (aka 90 days, 12 weeks, or a quarter of a year--whichever seems the shortest to you). If you know this you are ahead of the game and have the opportunity to prepare your mind and your face. Here are the phases and what you need to know for each.

Phase One: Stubble phase

This phase is the easy one. You may be a lucky would-be handlebar moustache wax wearer and already have some sort of goatee, a moustache or a full beard and moustache combo. If that is the case, skip to Phase Two. If you are converting your Movember growth to a manly handlebar, you have already gone through this and come out the other side with some growth. Here are some tips for this. Tip: 1. err on the side of not shaving hairs you may need later. 2. Use a natural coarse bristled brush to massage the skin and keep the skin on your lip healthy and free of dead skin and hairs that have bailed. 3. Start using your moustache wax to train the hairs to the sides and condition the hair underneath.

Phase Two: Itchy phase

This is when you will be tempted to trim at the lip line because it is itchy and starts to creep into your mouth. DON'T. You need these hairs later. The itchy phase is where most guys bail. Hang tight because this phase only lasts a couple weeks before the hairs are long enough to stay put when you comb them to the sides. Tips: 1. Use wax every day at this point. Use the least necessary to maintain the hold and protect your skin. 2. Use positive affirmations like "nothing worthwhile happens overnight" and then suck it up and stick it out to Phase Three.

Phase Three: Awesome phase

This is the big pay off. After around six to eight weeks you will have an adolescent handlebar moustache. The middle won't have grown all the way to the ends yet, but it will look like a fully fledged handlebar from a couple feet away. Buy the time you hit the three month mark--you are there! Congratulations! Tips: 1. Focus most of you wax in the tips since your nose is breathing out nearly 98 degrees and will soften the wax anyway. Since you are three months in, all of your hairs are growing alongside one another and so, if you get the tips waxed, the middle will largely take care of itself. Tips: 1. Focus on the tips. 2. Twist the tips gently toward your face not "out" since your head is sort of a sphere and you want the tips to hug your face, not point out like bull horns. 3. Help someone else by becoming a handlebar moustache mentor!